Regrettable Moment

The other day I experienced a regrettable moment as Muslim convert. I made friends with a 19 year old Saudi girl who was so young and cheerful that I couldn't help feeling generation gap between me and her. In the beginning I was enjoying getting to know about this teenage girl. She knew I was not born Muslim but converted through marriage. Her questions really startled me.
Here are 2 conversations that took place.

1
"You were not Muslim before marriage."
"No, I wasn't. I didn't have my religion"
"Oh, so sad... poor thing"

2
"So, you used to eat pork?."
"Yes"
"What did it taste like?"
"It is just meat. Not too good, not too bad"
"......" (She said nothing but frowning, looking disgusted)

1
There is nothing to be sad about. Many people in my country are just like me and they are very happy being that way. I am not proud that we don't have religion to follow that can be guidelines of life. What I didn't like was that she acted in a way that Islam was superior to any other religion. There are many Muslims who think like her but I hate their attitude. As Muslim convert, this is a very sensitive matter. Those non-Muslims do not need to show how they feel about other religion by saying "Poor thing". Very very judgmental. I am not asking the 19 year old girl to change her religion or anything. I just wanted her to accept the fact as it was without making judgment with her own ruler. We (people in my country) would never say it is so sad to someone who says"I am Muslim". I think it is just a matter of respect. I know this girl doesn't represent Islam but I feel very tired with this closed mentality when I meet someone like her.

2

I just want to say "What is wrong in eating pork when I was non Muslim?" It was rather rude of her to frwon. I don't care what she thought but do not frown, please. I know for you pork is yucky but there are many people in this world who eat it and do not question anything about eating it. I am not telling you to eat it but just accept the difference with respect.

The girl seemed hip and stylish in the beginning but after the above conversation, I felt myself younger in a point that I can be still flexible to accept many new ideas and differences. It is scary that a young girl like her already has formed a certain way of thinking which is fixed and unchangeable. She said that she has no non-Muslim friends, which was another startling comment for me especially here where people with different religions coexist. It is almost impossible for people here not to mix with others with different religions from theirs and yet she is doing it. I think it is something!

When I meet someone like her, for a moment I regret and tell myself "Why did I choose to be Muslim? I don't want to be like her" Again, she is not representing Islam but I have met some other people like her and I have to feel tired every time after talking to them.

After regretting for a while, I become a proud Muslim again.

I always want to be a good person before being Muslim. It does't make any sense to me if a person is Muslim and not a good person.

I am Open Minded

I don't really like when a person says,"I am open minded" especially if the person is describing himself. I believe "Open minded" is the word to be used by others (not by himself) when they describe a person who can listen to others without prejudice and accept differences.

I always wonder why a person has to use the term "open minded" to describe himself. I have met many people from various countries in my life and here is my observation. I am not exaggerating but from my experience Arab men are the ones who say "I am an open minded person" more than anyone else. Since my husband is Arab, I have a lot of opportunities to meet Arab people and in fact many of them have said "I am open mined" during conversation. Every time I hear an Arab man say this, I feel like asking him "What is the meaning of "open minded" for you? but of course, I don't want to be rude and mean, so I just continue talking until the end, when I often end up thinking "You are not an open minded person."

This is just my opinion and I'm going to write what I felt from my own experience, so I could be very wrong but let me tell you what I think. I think many Arab Muslim men interpret "open minded" as "not fanatic" or "not religious" as well as "casual". I think they should avoid using the term "open minded". No other people use the word of "open minded" as much as Arab people in describing about themselves. When someone from Arab says "I am open minded", I always feel he means to say "I am not religious". I observed many Arab people and have reached this conclusion; they use the term"open minded" for those (including themselves) who are very casual and not that religious. For me "open minded" and "religious" have totally different meanings. I may be wrong but I always feel Arab men want to tell that they are not religious by saying "I am open minded". I feel they are afraid of being taken as fanatic men and it seems a little ironic to me that the Arabs who are very much proud of their religion and gives the impression to the world that their religion is solid want to look less religious.

In my country when we say "Oh, that man is religious", there is no negative meaning included. Rather, we use the word "religious" as compliment for a person who can listen to others well and accept differences by gaining an insight in life through the religion.When my mother says "He is religious", what she means is that he is a man with definite principles who is respected as a person of high moral character. However, when Arab people say "That man is very religious", I can feel full of negative sense from it. Maybe it is just a matter of language but I always want to say "What is wrong with being religious? Isn't it something that a person should be proud of?"

I want to say if a person is truly open minded, he doesn't need to mention it for himself because others surly know about it automatically without being told by anyone. For me, "open minded" mentioned by Arab people seems like a tool to make them look less religious and more casual. I have never found a real open minded person among those who said to me "I am an open minded person" to describe himself, while I have met some wonderful Arabs who are religious and at the same time very open minded but they never said to me "I'm open minded". If I am asked, I need more than a few seconds to figure out how to say "open minded" in my language because I have never used the term to describe myself and also we don't use it as often as Arab people do. This is because it doesn't happen so often that we meet a person who deserves to be called "Open minded".

Shocking Question from My Arab Female Friend

I received a call from my Arab female friend. She calls me when she has problems with her boyfriend. She is even afraid of telling her Arab friends because having a boy/girlfriend is neither in their culture nor acceptable to them. Since I am from a country where it is perfectly normal to have a boy/girlfriend, I believe it is easy for her to talk to me about this matter. I am usually happy to help her by giving her some advice or just listening to her when she needs to talk to me over her problems with her boyfriend. She always says that she can't tell anybody but me, which makes me feel I am special to her. However, a question like today's one doesn't make me feel I am special. It rather made me feel stupid to deal with such a question.

"Do you know any place where I can have an operation to restore hymen? "

I know how important it is for unmarried women to be virgin in Arabic countries before marriage, so first, I thought she was forced to have sex against her will like rape or something. No, she wasn't. What she said was that she had never had an intercourse with her boyfriend yet but now was ready to have it if she could find a clinic that could perform that kind of operation. I know in Arab, there are girls who go for this operation but for me it is hard to believe that the girl I was talking on the phone was already thinking of having to go for the operation even before she had any intercourse with her boyfriend. If she told me that she wanted to have the operation because she had an undesirable intercourse with someone else and was afraid her future husband would find it out, considering Arabic society, it would have been more understanding to me. However, no matter what the reason can be, the operation to restore hymen seems ridiculous to me. For me, lying on the operation table with your legs fully open to restore hymen would sound more humiliating than losing virginity if I was an Arab woman. I really didn't understand my friend. I wanted to tell her what was the point of having sex if you were already thinking of restoration of hymen in a clinic but my head was full of thinking "How can I make her realize what she is thinking is nonsense." I said "you thinking about the operation at this stage means that you are not really ready to have sex with your boyfriend. If you are sure to marry him, why do you have to consider the operation?" This answer was the best answer I could come up with for her. She said "Just in case....I know I am going to marry him but if, if I don't, I must be virgin for my future husband" If she was from my country, this couldn't be an issue. No one would care whether she is virgin or not. Or most people take it for granted that a girl of her age is not a virgin. I wonder why it has to be so important to be virgin or not.

I get confused standing between my own culture and Arabic culture, and I am afraid I am giving some wrong advice to her. I hope I said the right thing this time. For me it is just so crazy that she already thinks that she will have to go to a clinic for the operation to restore hymen by paying money after she sleeps with the man she thinks she loves. I just didn't want her to do it so I just put the most effective ending to her question. I said "Oh, I have no idea where that kind of clinic is. Maybe no such clinic exists in this country" Then, she put down the phone a little disappointed, saying "If I am in any Arabic country, it won't be hard for me to find one but here I have never heard of it and I was expecting you knew it." I wanted to say "I don't need to know or never would I need to know even if I was single and no longer virgin" I am not sure if she knows what it is like for a woman to see a gynecologist. I still remember the first time I went to my gynecologist. It wasn't a pleasant experience and I believe it is the same with all women including married women, just like me.

After talking to her, I felt so tired somehow. I thought about her question over and over again in my head. I came up with the best answer now. I should say to her "Do what you would allow your future daughter to do" and I want to say to her boyfriend "Treat her in a way that you would want your future daughter to be treated by her boyfriend." Isn't is a good piece of advice?? If my friend can accept the idea that her future daughter goes for the hymen restoration operation after having sex with her boyfriend, I have nothing to say. I just say to her "Good luck and enjoy!"

I would never want my daughter to go for such a kind of operation. I will be happy she will find her boyfriend for herself when she is mature. If she wants to marry him after knowing him for a while, I want her to live with him for 6 months to a year because she may find something unexpected by only living together, which she should know before marrying him.....or if she can't accept them, she'd better walk away from him to find a better one for herself. I know many of you may be against my idea but this is what I really think and I accept your criticism. Yes, I am a bad Muslimah.

I hope I will not get another question of the same kind from her.

Pleasant Saudi man (Part3-End)

Oh, my gooood! I met Mohamed and his wife Sarah!! It is only a month since they got married. I have never seen such a happy couple as them in my life. Two years have already passed since I saw Mohamed. When I saw him last, he was still a single man who was determined to marry Sarah and this time he was indeed with Sarah as her husband. They told me that Sarah had to pretend as if it was the first time to see Mohamed when he came to see her family to ask her father for her hand because they were not supposed to know each other. After Mohamed visited her family, Sarah meant to take 3 weeks before she accepted his marriage proposal. Of course, she wanted to say "YES" right at that spot when Mohamed was there but she followed Saudi way! Her father still doesn't know and will not know that they had been in love with each other for 3 years before this marriage took place. I was happy to see them very happy to be with each other. Mohamed's family who knew their son was in love with Sarah was very supportive. He said without his family's help, he couldn't have married Sarah. I have seen many Saudi couples who had arranged marriage at the time of their honeymoon as I worked for a hotel where many Saudi couples came for honeymoon. There is no comparison between them and other Saudi couples I saw in my life. They are at the peak of their happiness. I hope more and more Saudi people marry like them to taste the meaning of love from the beginning of marriage and what it is like to marry someone that you love. I strongly believe where there is a will, there is a way. Mohamed and Sara's case was a good example. They proved it. In such a place as Saudi Arabia where the Mutawa are walking around, I want to say it out loud that this happy love marriage could and did happen there. I am sure there are those Saudis who want to say "This kind of marriage is not right. I don't want my daughter or son to marry this way." but if they really really think of their daughter or son's happiness, they should be wise. I think it is time for parents to realize "Parents' happiness is not always their children's happiness. They have to think about children's happiness first before their own happiness when it comes to marriage." I believe it is not haram for parents to make their child's love marriage look like arranged marriage just to fit in the Saudi social code if necessary. Of course, it would be better if love marriage is accepted as it is one day. I want to see more and more Saudi couples like Mohamed and Sarah. Congratulations!!

Plesant Saudi Man (Part 2)

I have a great news to tell about the Saudi man whom I wrote about in my blog on August 16, 2007. Yes, it is about Mohamed, a pleasant Saudi man! He is getting married in a few weeks to the lady he has been in so much love with for a couple of years that I mentioned in the blog dated August 16. He made it!!!! Yes, he chose his partner for himself. I saw his finance's photo. The lady is very pretty and I am sure they make a nice couple. They will be a couple that many Saudis get jealous of . From Day 1 of their marriage, their marriage life will be filled with love, which I believe is unusual in a country like Saudi Arabia where many people marry through arranged marriage. I am sure there are many happy couples who married through arranged marriage but at the same time I know there are many unhappy couples. Anyway, I am very very happy for him and his finance. I really admire them. If they lived in some other place, love marriage would be very normal but I am sure they needed the guts, energy and courage to get consent from their families and put up with unfavorable judgment from their society. Oh, I am soooo happy for them. I want to wish them a very happy marriage!

Here is just a thought.......In my country when we hear a person has eloped with someone he or she loves, we are more likely to say "They are immature" "They are still young to think eloping is the only way to be together". People usually give a negative comment as we believe there are other ways for a couple to be together. We usually think elopement is a consequence of inner immaturity of young people. However, if I was to hear the same kind of story in Saudi Arabia, I would definitely admire their guts and wish them a happy life together. I have read a story (based on the true story) about a couple who eloped to the US. According to the story, the girl's brothers and father chased after them to the US and found them. By the way the girl is Saudi and the boy is Palestinian. They hit the boy with a heavy object, leaving him unconscious for a while and took the girl back to Saudi Arabia. For me, the fact that they attempted to elope is worth admiration though the first consequence turned out quite harsh. Yes, there is a second consequence, a good one! When they eloped for the second time, the girl's family finally agreed to their marriage. If you wan to know the details, please read Princess Sultana's Daughters by Jean Sasson. Please do not misunderstand me. I am not encouraging Saudis to elope to marry someone s/he loves. Our life is short. Why not we try to seek more ways to make us happy. With a little gut, life can change from hell to heaven. Many Arab people who are married say to me "Arranged marriage is good. Love will grow as time goes by" I don't disagree to it but I don't want this kind. I believe it is nice that we have love for each other when we marry and that it will grow bigger and bigger later.

Ali Confused Me

Sometimes I get upset, disappointed or confused in the least expected way. I know too well that I can’t judge others with my own ruler, especially if they have different cultural backgrounds. I often feel tired with stopping to make sure I am not doing anything wrong against their cultures.

Last week I bumped into my Iranian friend, Ali in the street with his 2 male friends. I hadn’t seen him since last December and assumed he was back in Iran. Both of us got very surprised to see each other and I was very happy to see him. My husband, Hassan and I were often invited to our friend’s house where I got to know Ali and his wife about 2 years ago. We had a great time talking about various things every time we met. The last time we met them in December, Ali’s wife was expecting a baby in a few months. So, when I saw Ali this time, I asked him about his wife. I was happy to hear that she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. In the beginning since I was too excited to see Ali who I had least expected to see again, I totally forgot about his 2 friends who also seemed from Iran. I just apologized to them for making them wait. They were kind enough to wait and even told me to take my time to talk to Ali. However, I started to realize something was wrong with Ali. I could easily tell that Ali was not as happy to see me as I wanted him to be. Since he mentioned he was going back to Iran in 10 days, I thought I could invite him to my house for dinner before he left, so I asked him for his mobile number. Can you guess what he said? He said, “I can give you my wife’s email address.” I just pretended to be fine with his answer at that time by saying “OK, that is great” but inside my heart I was thinking “Why can’t he give me his phone number?” Just for your information, I had his mobile number in December but deleted it as I thought he was gone back to Iran. I thought he was afraid of being suspected about his relation with me (female) by his 2 friends, so I even mentioned my husband’s name many times in our conversation to give them an impression that Ali was more like our family friends because I thought this could help Ali feel better, but it didn’t work at all. I could see he was very uncomfortable to talk to me. I was sad because it was the first time I felt like this as far as Ali was concerned. I had had a lot of meaningful discussions with him and his wife about what could be only discussed between close friends. That was why I was very upset. After I went back home, I told about this to Hassan. He also couldn’t understand what made Ali act like that. Anyway, Ali gave me his wife’s email address and also his. I emailed his wife to congratulate on the baby’s birth. (CC to Ali) Then, the next day Ali himself replied to me, not his wife. I was startled to read his email as he expressed his excitement of having seen me the day before. I got really confused. I really wanted to say to him, “If you were to write such a pleasant email to me, why did you have to act that way?” Was it because he thought it wasn’t nice to talk to a woman without his wife’s presence or knowledge? I don’t think so. The only thing that I can think of now is that he was afraid of how his 2 friends would look at him. Speaking of his wife, when I met Ali and her for the first time, I shook hands with him as it is very normal to do so among Muslims here regardless sex. Later, his wife told me that she didn’t want her husband to shake hands with women. Right away I apologized to her for having shaken hands with him. She told me not to worry about it because I didn’t know. I really felt very bad and sorry for her. I told Hassan that I had made Ali’s wife offended by shaking hands with her husband. Hassan said it wasn’t my problem but Ali’s problem and that Ali was the one who should figure out how to deal with such a shaking-hands-situation with a woman. According to Hassan, if Ali doesn’t wan to shake hands with a woman, he can say “I’m sorry but I can’t” or he can put his hand on his chest to greet politely as this gesture can give the woman a hint of his unwillingness to shake hands, which in fact Ali’s wife was doing to avoid shaking hands with a man. What Hassan was unhappy was Ali’s wife’s attitude. Hassan has been still keeping saying it was rude of Ali’s wife to tell me such a thing face to face and that she should figure out with Ali how to avoid shaking hands with the opposite sex when offered because it is their problem.

The best way is not to shake hands with anybody but I feel I can convey my happiness of seeing people by shaking hands....by the way I am Muslima.

Sad incident of Saudi woman

By the way a few days before I met Mohamed (See August 9 blog) in the hotel where he was staying, a 20 year old Saudi woman who was staying in the same hotel on her honeymoon committed suicide by jumping off from her room window. I read the news in the papers but it didn’t say much of the details. When I took a taxi to go to the hotel to see Mohamed, the taxi driver told me this: the Saudi woman’s husband arranged the transportation from the hotel to go downtown to look for a woman with a taxi driver who could speak Arabic. His wife woke up in the middle of the night to find him gone from the bed panicked and called him at his mobile, asking where he was. It seemed right after this his wife committed suicide. The taxi driver who was with this Saudi man at that time was a friend of the driver’s who gave me a ride to the hotel. I felt so much pain toward this young lady who could have had longer happier life if she had not married this evil man.

The story told by the driver may be a little exaggerated but I think the story is very probable because I have seen similar cases in a hotel where I worked for 2 years. I met many nice Arab tourists, while I met some Arabs very hard to understand. Many of them came to the hotel on their honeymoon. I knew it because many Arab men usually mention it at the time of checking in. One night a Saudi male guest approached me in the lobby. He wanted to get my help to plan what he could do with his wife for the next few days. He said he was newly married and that he didn’t want his wife to get bored during their honeymoon. He couldn’t take much time with me in planning as he wanted to go back to the room before his wife finished taking a shower. It seemed that he didn’t want to show his wife his worries about the honeymoon. I was very happy to make a quick suggestion on a few places for them to visit and saw him off. He turned into a confident man who was sure that his wife would not get bored for the next few days. I was ready and happy to offer this kind of help anytime while working in the hotel.

However, I sometimes faced unfavorable situations with Arab guests. Not only Arabs but other races came to the hotel on honeymoon but this happened only with Arab men. Though Arab men mentioned they were here on their honeymoon, they had no shame to ask hotel staff where they could go for drinking or looking for women. If they wanted to drink, I always wanted to say “Take your wife with you”. I didn’t care if they wanted to enjoy what was forbidden for them to do back home but I simply couldn’t stand the idea that they didn’t mind leaving their wives alone in a hotel room in a foreign country without letting her know where he was going. What was worse, they had no shame to ask me where they could find prostitutes.
How dare they could ask me such a question on their honeymoon with their wives sleeping in the hotel rooms!? Unbelievable!! I really think I can write a book about nice Arab guests and weird Arab guests!! There are more stories to come in the future blog!! Some of them are too funny or strange for you to believe!!