I am Open Minded

I don't really like when a person says,"I am open minded" especially if the person is describing himself. I believe "Open minded" is the word to be used by others (not by himself) when they describe a person who can listen to others without prejudice and accept differences.

I always wonder why a person has to use the term "open minded" to describe himself. I have met many people from various countries in my life and here is my observation. I am not exaggerating but from my experience Arab men are the ones who say "I am an open minded person" more than anyone else. Since my husband is Arab, I have a lot of opportunities to meet Arab people and in fact many of them have said "I am open mined" during conversation. Every time I hear an Arab man say this, I feel like asking him "What is the meaning of "open minded" for you? but of course, I don't want to be rude and mean, so I just continue talking until the end, when I often end up thinking "You are not an open minded person."

This is just my opinion and I'm going to write what I felt from my own experience, so I could be very wrong but let me tell you what I think. I think many Arab Muslim men interpret "open minded" as "not fanatic" or "not religious" as well as "casual". I think they should avoid using the term "open minded". No other people use the word of "open minded" as much as Arab people in describing about themselves. When someone from Arab says "I am open minded", I always feel he means to say "I am not religious". I observed many Arab people and have reached this conclusion; they use the term"open minded" for those (including themselves) who are very casual and not that religious. For me "open minded" and "religious" have totally different meanings. I may be wrong but I always feel Arab men want to tell that they are not religious by saying "I am open minded". I feel they are afraid of being taken as fanatic men and it seems a little ironic to me that the Arabs who are very much proud of their religion and gives the impression to the world that their religion is solid want to look less religious.

In my country when we say "Oh, that man is religious", there is no negative meaning included. Rather, we use the word "religious" as compliment for a person who can listen to others well and accept differences by gaining an insight in life through the religion.When my mother says "He is religious", what she means is that he is a man with definite principles who is respected as a person of high moral character. However, when Arab people say "That man is very religious", I can feel full of negative sense from it. Maybe it is just a matter of language but I always want to say "What is wrong with being religious? Isn't it something that a person should be proud of?"

I want to say if a person is truly open minded, he doesn't need to mention it for himself because others surly know about it automatically without being told by anyone. For me, "open minded" mentioned by Arab people seems like a tool to make them look less religious and more casual. I have never found a real open minded person among those who said to me "I am an open minded person" to describe himself, while I have met some wonderful Arabs who are religious and at the same time very open minded but they never said to me "I'm open minded". If I am asked, I need more than a few seconds to figure out how to say "open minded" in my language because I have never used the term to describe myself and also we don't use it as often as Arab people do. This is because it doesn't happen so often that we meet a person who deserves to be called "Open minded".

Shocking Question from My Arab Female Friend

I received a call from my Arab female friend. She calls me when she has problems with her boyfriend. She is even afraid of telling her Arab friends because having a boy/girlfriend is neither in their culture nor acceptable to them. Since I am from a country where it is perfectly normal to have a boy/girlfriend, I believe it is easy for her to talk to me about this matter. I am usually happy to help her by giving her some advice or just listening to her when she needs to talk to me over her problems with her boyfriend. She always says that she can't tell anybody but me, which makes me feel I am special to her. However, a question like today's one doesn't make me feel I am special. It rather made me feel stupid to deal with such a question.

"Do you know any place where I can have an operation to restore hymen? "

I know how important it is for unmarried women to be virgin in Arabic countries before marriage, so first, I thought she was forced to have sex against her will like rape or something. No, she wasn't. What she said was that she had never had an intercourse with her boyfriend yet but now was ready to have it if she could find a clinic that could perform that kind of operation. I know in Arab, there are girls who go for this operation but for me it is hard to believe that the girl I was talking on the phone was already thinking of having to go for the operation even before she had any intercourse with her boyfriend. If she told me that she wanted to have the operation because she had an undesirable intercourse with someone else and was afraid her future husband would find it out, considering Arabic society, it would have been more understanding to me. However, no matter what the reason can be, the operation to restore hymen seems ridiculous to me. For me, lying on the operation table with your legs fully open to restore hymen would sound more humiliating than losing virginity if I was an Arab woman. I really didn't understand my friend. I wanted to tell her what was the point of having sex if you were already thinking of restoration of hymen in a clinic but my head was full of thinking "How can I make her realize what she is thinking is nonsense." I said "you thinking about the operation at this stage means that you are not really ready to have sex with your boyfriend. If you are sure to marry him, why do you have to consider the operation?" This answer was the best answer I could come up with for her. She said "Just in case....I know I am going to marry him but if, if I don't, I must be virgin for my future husband" If she was from my country, this couldn't be an issue. No one would care whether she is virgin or not. Or most people take it for granted that a girl of her age is not a virgin. I wonder why it has to be so important to be virgin or not.

I get confused standing between my own culture and Arabic culture, and I am afraid I am giving some wrong advice to her. I hope I said the right thing this time. For me it is just so crazy that she already thinks that she will have to go to a clinic for the operation to restore hymen by paying money after she sleeps with the man she thinks she loves. I just didn't want her to do it so I just put the most effective ending to her question. I said "Oh, I have no idea where that kind of clinic is. Maybe no such clinic exists in this country" Then, she put down the phone a little disappointed, saying "If I am in any Arabic country, it won't be hard for me to find one but here I have never heard of it and I was expecting you knew it." I wanted to say "I don't need to know or never would I need to know even if I was single and no longer virgin" I am not sure if she knows what it is like for a woman to see a gynecologist. I still remember the first time I went to my gynecologist. It wasn't a pleasant experience and I believe it is the same with all women including married women, just like me.

After talking to her, I felt so tired somehow. I thought about her question over and over again in my head. I came up with the best answer now. I should say to her "Do what you would allow your future daughter to do" and I want to say to her boyfriend "Treat her in a way that you would want your future daughter to be treated by her boyfriend." Isn't is a good piece of advice?? If my friend can accept the idea that her future daughter goes for the hymen restoration operation after having sex with her boyfriend, I have nothing to say. I just say to her "Good luck and enjoy!"

I would never want my daughter to go for such a kind of operation. I will be happy she will find her boyfriend for herself when she is mature. If she wants to marry him after knowing him for a while, I want her to live with him for 6 months to a year because she may find something unexpected by only living together, which she should know before marrying him.....or if she can't accept them, she'd better walk away from him to find a better one for herself. I know many of you may be against my idea but this is what I really think and I accept your criticism. Yes, I am a bad Muslimah.

I hope I will not get another question of the same kind from her.