Sometimes I get upset, disappointed or confused in the least expected way. I know too well that I can’t judge others with my own ruler, especially if they have different cultural backgrounds. I often feel tired with stopping to make sure I am not doing anything wrong against their cultures.
Last week I bumped into my Iranian friend, Ali in the street with his 2 male friends. I hadn’t seen him since last December and assumed he was back in Iran. Both of us got very surprised to see each other and I was very happy to see him. My husband, Hassan and I were often invited to our friend’s house where I got to know Ali and his wife about 2 years ago. We had a great time talking about various things every time we met. The last time we met them in December, Ali’s wife was expecting a baby in a few months. So, when I saw Ali this time, I asked him about his wife. I was happy to hear that she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. In the beginning since I was too excited to see Ali who I had least expected to see again, I totally forgot about his 2 friends who also seemed from Iran. I just apologized to them for making them wait. They were kind enough to wait and even told me to take my time to talk to Ali. However, I started to realize something was wrong with Ali. I could easily tell that Ali was not as happy to see me as I wanted him to be. Since he mentioned he was going back to Iran in 10 days, I thought I could invite him to my house for dinner before he left, so I asked him for his mobile number. Can you guess what he said? He said, “I can give you my wife’s email address.” I just pretended to be fine with his answer at that time by saying “OK, that is great” but inside my heart I was thinking “Why can’t he give me his phone number?” Just for your information, I had his mobile number in December but deleted it as I thought he was gone back to Iran. I thought he was afraid of being suspected about his relation with me (female) by his 2 friends, so I even mentioned my husband’s name many times in our conversation to give them an impression that Ali was more like our family friends because I thought this could help Ali feel better, but it didn’t work at all. I could see he was very uncomfortable to talk to me. I was sad because it was the first time I felt like this as far as Ali was concerned. I had had a lot of meaningful discussions with him and his wife about what could be only discussed between close friends. That was why I was very upset. After I went back home, I told about this to Hassan. He also couldn’t understand what made Ali act like that. Anyway, Ali gave me his wife’s email address and also his. I emailed his wife to congratulate on the baby’s birth. (CC to Ali) Then, the next day Ali himself replied to me, not his wife. I was startled to read his email as he expressed his excitement of having seen me the day before. I got really confused. I really wanted to say to him, “If you were to write such a pleasant email to me, why did you have to act that way?” Was it because he thought it wasn’t nice to talk to a woman without his wife’s presence or knowledge? I don’t think so. The only thing that I can think of now is that he was afraid of how his 2 friends would look at him. Speaking of his wife, when I met Ali and her for the first time, I shook hands with him as it is very normal to do so among Muslims here regardless sex. Later, his wife told me that she didn’t want her husband to shake hands with women. Right away I apologized to her for having shaken hands with him. She told me not to worry about it because I didn’t know. I really felt very bad and sorry for her. I told Hassan that I had made Ali’s wife offended by shaking hands with her husband. Hassan said it wasn’t my problem but Ali’s problem and that Ali was the one who should figure out how to deal with such a shaking-hands-situation with a woman. According to Hassan, if Ali doesn’t wan to shake hands with a woman, he can say “I’m sorry but I can’t” or he can put his hand on his chest to greet politely as this gesture can give the woman a hint of his unwillingness to shake hands, which in fact Ali’s wife was doing to avoid shaking hands with a man. What Hassan was unhappy was Ali’s wife’s attitude. Hassan has been still keeping saying it was rude of Ali’s wife to tell me such a thing face to face and that she should figure out with Ali how to avoid shaking hands with the opposite sex when offered because it is their problem.
The best way is not to shake hands with anybody but I feel I can convey my happiness of seeing people by shaking hands....by the way I am Muslima.
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I know this tottaly unrelated to your post, but you asked about the different between the two marriages in another blog, and I posted the answer there, and here is answer incase you missed it ..cheers...
@Yamato Girl:
1.In "Pleasure marriages" the length of time is already predetermined; where the couple stay together for a week, a month, or as little as couple of hours.
2. The rule of divorce is not applicable as in a normal marriage, where the marriage in null and void as soon as the predetermined period expires.
3. There is no "eda" involves the mandatory period where the wife must observes after she gets divorce. And the wife doesn't have any inheritance rights.
4. There are not limits of the number of the pleasure wife a man can have, and he is not restricted to four as in normal marriage situation.
5. Witnesses, or the "wali" (girl's guardian"), are not part of the requirement for "pleasure marriage". The husband doesn't have to provide legal resident, or provide for his wife.
And that’s the only thing the two marriages have in common, where the husband doesn't have to provide legal resident or provide for his wife.
So you can see the so called pleasure marriage clearly doesn't meet any of the common marriage requirement and many of the main stream Islamic scholars have went as far as forbidding it, "almisyar' marriage meet most of the requirement and a fatwa was issued allowing it.
its wierd. i used to shake hands with girls and didnt even think anything of it, but I stopped because some accept it, others dont, and i ended up in a silly situation where i was shaking hands with someone and she didnt put her hand out, and said, i dont shake hands. really silly, but embarrasing nonetheless. i dont see the problem, to tell you the truth. each to his own habits and culture, i guess
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